This is probably the most honest post I have ever written. I don't usually like to talk about my personal life, what I am going through or else. I would more likely talk about life at school or fashion related stuff but never about my feelings, whether it is on the Internet or with my friends and family. I am a very introverted person and when I am not going well I tend to confine into my shell and stay quiet. I keep the appearances up and hide the pain. I have always been like this, but this time 2016 put me on racks. If you are not interested into reading a girl's hurted soul then you can stop there. If you want to know what is going on, well, welcome to my stream of consciousness post.
I see many bloggers posting their 2016 retrospective post telling how wonderful their year was. I have to admit that I am a bit jealous. Not of what they have accomplished but more about the fact they can write a happy retrospective. I remember writing my 2015 retrospective post and being so happy and satisfied about it. Yet 2016 was different and despite all my motivation I could not think about any cool related event that happened to me. Except maybe for my trip to the Canaries Islands with my best friend that was the little highlight of the year. I went on vacation for the first time in ten years and it felt good the time of a week. Then everything went dark again.
I just want to remind you that I am only nineteen, or more exactly eighteen when I started the year. Back then I didn't had a job, I was running on a scolarship and a lot of hope. So what happened in the space of a year for me to write this post? Well, stress and anxiety. Let's begin with that. I am usually pretty stressed and anxious every damn day and I have always managed to deal with it. But for the first time it got out of control. My skin and hair are probably the best proof of it. They are so damaged it frustrates me. Stress and anxiety are always motivated by something and this time they were triggered by money related issues. That is something I woudn't wish to anyone even my worst enemy. It messed me up like nothing ever before. I am only nineteen, an age where you should not be caring about much except meeting new people and having fun. I went on a hunt for a job to hopefully get rid of those problems. I got my first job ever - after months of research and stressing out- and this exact job completely fucked up my mental health. I wasn't going well at all and at one point I just decided to quit.
At that point I was being sad, angry and negative all the time. My energy and motivation were running low and I didn't wanted to do anything, not even get out of bed or eat. I thought I would never get out of the mess I was in so why bothering making such effort? For the first time in my life I had a brush with depression. Yet my hyper-active self couldn't get into doing nothing so carried on living as normally as I could. My birthday was coming in a few days and I had hope for a brighter future. Hope was the only thing keeping me up together.
Life is tornado as I already mentioned in a previous post. It comes in waves, some are good some are not. A few days after quiting my first job, while thinking life was about to get better, the worstest news ever came to my hears on the eve of my birthday. It completely ruined me. I lost someone I love and it hurts so bad. Let's have a little break here because tears are rolling down. It hurts so bad because she was such a wonderful and talented person and a true believer into my blogging work. She was my number one fan and I was hers too. I featured her on my blog and I am glad I did because it made her feel like the star she was and deserved to be. And now she is gone and I miss her so much. After that, I wasn't able to blog for a few weeks. I lost all motivation. I was broken to the core. I still published a few posts but there was an evident lack of motivation. That was just my way to keep up with appearances.
I wished life had stop for a while to let me heal my wounds.
That's around the time I realized nobody notices when you are not going well unless you tell them. You can never really know what is going on in people's life. If you just smile or talk on your usual happy tone they would just assume everything is okay. And because I am an introvert who doesn't like to open up to people I just kept it all to myself. It was burning me from inside but I kept living even though I had no strenght left and my self-confidence was down. I kept waking up everyday to go to class, tweeting about random things, posting unrelevant things on Instagram and talking to people like everything was fine. I also got busy because of all the events I enrolled in at university and thanks God it kept me from falling into depression and becoming insane.
"I was absolutely broken. I kept it all together enough so I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down."
Selena Gomez couldn't describe it better and her words hit me right in the core. She has been my role model for years and I look up to her a lot. The fact that she was broken and decided to open up about it in front of a large audience, the fact she decided to show her vulnerability inspired me to write this post. Because yes, I wanted to keep it a secret and carry onto sharing fashion thoughts but I just couldn't, it was beyond my strenght. I am broken and I can't focus on fashion right now. Sorry. I am trying my best to fix myself but it is hard and it takes time. Fashion is still my biggest passion but my head and heart aren't into it at the moment. I am down on my knees with a totally fucked up mental health. I can barely make it to class and pass my exams, but hey I am still alive so I am trying my best to make something out of it. I am really sad that I let this blog - my little baby - down for a moment but I had to. When your head is empty, your heart broken and life hurts you to the bones you have no other choice but step back and hill yourself.
After such a year I can't make a positive 2016 retrospective. It has been harsh and truly broke me down. But I always rely onto hope of a better future, so maybe next year will be better or maybe it will be even worse. No one knows. Even though I am a living mess right now I end 2016 with a new job where I feel good and great friends I love more than anything. I can't be more greatful. I am aware that there are million of people in more depths than me, people that are dying in unfairs circumstances and are forgotten in the thoughts of people living decent life when they should not. I am not here to complain, just to explain. I am currently working on my blog for a fresh 2017 start. You've probably noticed the new design - or you didn't if you are new, so hey welcome to BHBD! - and it motivates me to post a little more. Thank you so much if you read me up until here. Tell me more about your year in the comments section, I would be glad to hear about it.
See you in a few, love.
denim dress, scarf - H&M / navy blue coat - Stradivarius / high-knees boots - New Look / bag - Pimkie